


Heart and Soul

by thethreebroomstix



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec's fake gf origin, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Development, Closeted Alec Lightwood, Gay Club, Happy Ending, I tried tho, Internalized Homophobia, Izzy is a good sister, M/M, Magnus is a supportive bf, Out of the Closet Alec Lightwood, Parabatai Bond, i am bad at summaries, the spacing of this looks dumb af because ao3 wont! let! me! tab!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 10:47:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12057399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thethreebroomstix/pseuds/thethreebroomstix
Summary: Alec Lightwood spots a gay club in Brooklyn while on a hunt with Izzy and Jace. Inexplicably drawn to it, Alec frequently visits but never enters. When he finally does, he promises himself he'll never return, until several years later when he stumbles upon it again, this time with Magnus by his side.





	Heart and Soul

The first time Alec saw the club, tucked away on a little side street in Brooklyn, was at the end of a hunt with Izzy and Jace. He was seventeen and his parabatai rune, still new and burning above his hip, was flaring along with Jace’s adrenaline. Alec felt a similar rush as he shot his arrow arching through the air into the final demon’s flesh. He heard Izzy and Jace cheering behind him, reveling in their victory, and Alec allowed himself a smile as he glamoured away his bow and arrow. Alec turned to face his sister and his parabatai but before he could join in their victorious chatter something caught his eye.  
It was an ordinary enough building with a smooth black exterior and a light blue neon sign advertising “Drinks, Music, and Dancing” but what drew Alec’s attention was the rainbow flag hanging in the club’s front window. He’d seen it once before on the cover of one of Izzy’s gossip magazines, a mundane celebrity holding it triumphantly in his hand as he wrapped his arm around another man. The image had struck Alec with cold shock then, a feeling of unwelcome longing curling in the pit of his stomach, and he felt the same sensation now as he gazed at the club. 

It was early, the sun just starting to set and paint the sky in soft pink hues, but already a small trickle of mundanes had begun to enter the club or hover outside. Alec watched as two men leaned against the club’s wall, their faces pressed close together as one ran his hand over the other’s arm. Alec’s breath felt tight in his chest as he observed the scene but after a moment Jace’s voice in the background drew him from his reverie. 

“Mom wants us back to fill out the report!” Jace called waving his phone in his hand. Izzy pouted at this announcement mumbling something about wanting to go out and celebrate. Stirred from his thoughts, Alec strode over to rejoin Jace and Izzy. 

“We need to head back and fill out the incident report before anything else.” He informed his sister. Izzy gave him an exaggeratedly disappointed look that Alec recognized as his sister’s last ditch attempt at convincing him to bend the rules. He sighed and attempted to placate the younger Lightwood. “Later Izzy. You know you don’t want another lecture from Mom about this.” She smiled broadly at Alec’s response.

“Fair enough big brother. Incident report first, celebratory drinks after.” Jace grinned at this and despite Alec’s disapproval at his younger sister’s antics decided it wasn’t worth the argument. Besides, his mind was occupied with other matters, chief among them being the lingering feeling of longing he had felt watching the couple outside the club.  
Alec, Jace, and Izzy began trekking down the street, Izzy animatedly discussing the battle, her smile growing wider with each demon conquest she recounted. Alec wanted to revel in the moment, laugh alongside Jace and Izzy, but his mind was still stuck on the club. Alec had been unaware places like that existed, places where men were allowed to lean into each other’s touch and women pressed chaste kisses onto other girl’s mouths and the shock of this discovery left a myriad of feelings in its wake. Alec felt the same fear and vague uncomfortableness he always felt when he considered his feelings for Jace but somewhere buried deep below that Alec could feel the stirrings of hope and a feeling of belonging as he spared one last glance back at the club.

Later that night, as Alec lay awake listening to the sounds of Jace and Izzy returning home, he once again found his thoughts consumed by the club and it’s attendees. Alec had never been one to make impulsive decisions, but as he tossed and turned in his bed unable to sleep Alec decided that just this once, it couldn’t hurt. As if on autopilot, Alec slipped from his bed and silently got dressed. Grabbing his steele off the nightstand, Alec activated his stealth and silence runes before leaving his room, quietly shutting the door behind him.  
Alec felt like he was holding his breath the entire way out of the Institute, particularly when he snuck through the control center. There had only been one Shadowhunter on duty and Alec had managed to sneak by unnoticed but he still felt a wave of relief when he stepped outside of the Institute and into the cool night air. Alec glamoured himself and with a small, nervous smile on his face, began the walk to the subway.

Around half an hour later Alec once again found himself in Brooklyn in front of the club. The amount of people gathered around the building had increased dramatically since earlier that evening and Alec watched with wide eyes and slightly bated breath at the assortment of guests. There were men seemingly doused in glitter and color, eyeshadow and lipstick adorning their faces, women weaving their hands through each others hair, down their partner’s neck, pressed to another girl’s cheek as they leaned in to kiss their mouth. A man laughing into the crook of his partner’s neck as they exited the club, hands pressed lovingly into each others skin. Alec felt almost drunk off it as he observed the constant stream of people entering and exiting, each so unapologetically themselves. He wondered if anyone there had ever felt like he did, had found themselves outside a club in the middle of the night too afraid to go in because it would confirm something about themselves that they didn’t want confirmed. Alec wondered if he would ever feel like they did, full of unadulterated happiness and love. He didn’t think he would. He was a Shadowhunter and a Lightwood and that meant carrying on within the parameters of the clave and his parent’s expectations. That meant marrying a woman and having children to pass his family name and angelic blood onto, there was no room for clubs, and boys, and whatever happiness they may bring.  
Alec felt vaguely dizzy, the rush of breaking the rules was fading and the reality of what he had done left sickening anxiety in its wake. What had he been thinking? Sneaking out of the Institute in the middle of the night to come here to a club, not just any club a gay club, was so far outside the realm of Alec’s usual pattern of behavior he could almost laugh. It was stupid, completely idiotic, Alec decided. It was one thing when Jace and Izzy snuck out and spent the night dancing and drinking, that was expected, discouraged, but expected. But he was Alec Lightwood, the oldest sibling, the voice of reason and responsibility, the golden child who followed the rules and did not make rash impulse decisions to stand outside clubs in the middle of the night a borough away from home. With this thought Alec turned and ran down the street not stopping until he was on the subway and headed back to Manhattan.

Despite Alec’s late night reconciliation of what was to be his future, he couldn’t shake the image of the club from his mind. It was addicting to think about, thrilling in the worst possible way, and yet Alec couldn’t shake the feeling that he needed to go back. 

The feeling stayed with him all day, visibly distracting him during training. Alec failed to dodge another of Jace’s punches and winced at the dull blow to his ribs. Jace straightened up, fixing Alec with a critical glare.

“What’s with you man? You’re not paying any attention.” 

“Sorry. Just tired.” Alec muttered as he returned to his fighting stance. He hit harder and dodged faster but the need to return to the club still hummed through his veins.

It became a ritual of sorts. Alec snuck out at night, took the twenty-two minute subway ride into Brooklyn, and stood outside the club. He never went in, only allowing himself to watch glamoured from a distance until the familiar feeling of guilt became too great to ignore.

Izzy noticed his late night absences because of course she did. She was annoyingly observant, a trait Alec was endlessly proud of when she used it in battle or research but resented when she turned her talents on him. She confronted him one morning when Alec showed up late to breakfast, pulling him into a secluded training room.

“Where were you last night?” Izzy asked narrowing her eyes at her brother with a fiery gaze that Alec found too intimidating for his baby sister. He stood there a moment gaping at her, mouth opening and shutting uselessly. 

“I wasn’t anywhere? I was asleep Izzy.” Alec denied pointlessly. He knew Izzy would see right through him but he allowed himself the dignity of a denial before he folded to her questions.

“Cut it Alec. I know you’ve been sneaking out, which honestly I’m a little offended by considering you never come out with Jace and I.” Izzy said, folding her arms across her chest defiantly. For a moment Alec considers telling her. Izzy half knows already after their conversation before he and Jace’s rune ceremony but Alec can’t bring himself to form the words. Instead, he does the exact opposite. 

“I was meeting up with a girl.” He blurted out. Izzy narrows her eyes again. 

“A girl?” She questioned. “But I thought- After what you told me before your rune ceremony…” Izzy’s voice trails off and she fixes Alec with a look again. It has less fire behind it this time, softer like she’s trying to will Alec to open up to her but Alec can’t find the strength in himself to tell her.

“Yes Izzy a girl. And that was nothing I was just. Confused.” Alec says. There’s more confidence in his voice this time and although he can tell his sister is still hesitant, her resolve is breaking. 

“What’s her name?” Izzy questions. Caught off guard, Alec blurts out the first female name to pop into his head.

“Jessica. Jessica Hawkblue.” It’s complete bullshit and Alec knows it and for a second he thinks Izzy knows it too, but then she’s smiling. Albeit somewhat quizzically, but still she’s smiling. 

“Huh I don’t know a Jessica Hawkblue. Where’s she from?” It’s not said unbelievingly so like before, Izzy genuinely wants to know.

“Paris.” Alec answers easily enough, easing into the lie now. “She’s visiting with her aunt.” Izzy leaned back against the wall, raising her eyebrow as a sign that she wanted Alec to continue. 

“And what did you two do?” She dragged out the last word, her mouth turned up into a smirk.

“We saw a movie.” Alec glanced at his feet, feeling slightly guilty about lying to his sister but he couldn’t imagine a scenario where he told her the truth about where he’d been sneaking out to. 

“What movie?” Izzy was narrowing her eyes again, back on the offensive after observing Alec’s body language. Alec’s mind blanked. He couldn’t think of a single movie, let alone one playing in mundane theatres. On the verge of being caught in his lie Alec said they only thing he could think of.

“Uh. We didn’t really watch it?” Alec averted his sister’s eyes, a blush forming high on his cheeks. Izzy took Alec’s reaction as embarrassment about his antics and let out a high pitch squeal.

“Alec!” She exclaimed. “Look at you! Sneaking out, going on dates, not paying any attention to the movie because you’re paying too much attention to your date.” She raised an eyebrow suggestively at this. “Honestly I’m proud.” 

“Yeah uh, thanks Izzy.” Alec said laughing awkwardly and running his hand through his hair. “I’ve gotta go though. I told Jace I’d spar with him and I’m already late.” Izzy waved him away.

“Of course. Go, but I want to hear more about Jessica later.” Alec made his way towards the door but stopped as Izzy called his name again. “You know that. If what you told me before the ceremony was true Alec I wouldn’t care. I just want you to be happy.” Her voice was softer again, the teasing attitude from earlier completely removed. Alec couldn’t find it in him to deny it again.

“I know Iz.” He said quietly, pausing a moment before he turned and left the room. 

Alec’s routine continues. He sneaks out, stands in front of the club, and practically falls asleep at breakfast. Except now Izzy shoots him suggestive and knowing looks from across the table. It becomes his new pattern, the one rebellious act he allows himself in his carefully structured routine. Eat, train, battle demons, incident reports, sneak out to stand outside places he shouldn’t, sleep, repeat. And that’s all it was for awhile. Two weeks to be exact. Until one night as Alec once again finds himself outside the club, there’s an urge to go inside. It had never happened before, every other time he’d gone he’d been more than content to watch from a distance, never partaking in any of the activity but tonight is different.

Alec contemplates for several minutes until he decides to indulge his impulses. Just this once. He tells himself. Glamoured, Alec didn’t have to wait on line or present an ID. He weaved his way through the throngs of mundanes and stopped once again before the door. Steeling himself, Alec pushed inside and found himself surrounded by the widest variety of people he’d ever seen. The deafening music was sending pulses through the club and a shimmering globe dangling from the ceiling was casting multi-colored lights throughout the venue. It was dizzying to say the least. Alec wasn’t sure where to look, his eyes lingering on the couples pressed together on the dance floor. It was all becoming too much again and he could feel his breath tightening in his chest, the familiar spiral of thoughts swirling through his head. What was he doing here? It was stupid and he’d made a mistake, standing outside was one thing actually coming in was an entirely different story. Alec was about to turn and leave the club when he felt a cold hand land on his shoulder.

“A nephilim? I didn’t think the clave condoned your kinds presence at this sort of establishment.” Alec felt panic seizing at his throat. He hadn’t considered the possibility of someone with the sight being here. Alec turned to face the man with the grip on his shoulder, trying to ignore his heart racing in his chest. It was a vampire, fangs bared behind a smirk. He had dark hair and dark eyes and Alec only had time to send a prayer to the Angel that whoever it was wouldn’t recognize Alec Lightwood alone in a gay club, before he was wrenching himself from the vampire’s grasp and running out of the club. 

That night, as Alec laid in bed he decided he wasn’t going back anymore. It had been stupid and reckless and dangerous to sneak out every night and go to a place considered so illicit by his parents and the clave. He’d broken his own rules and it could’ve ended disastrously. It might still end disastrously, Alec reminded himself. If the vampire had recognized him there was a sizeable chance news would circle around the Downworlder community and back to the Shadowhunters. Alexander Lightwood, the eldest son of Maryse and Robert Lightwood in some Brooklyn gay club. It stood to be the hottest gossip the vampires heard in ages. Alec squeezed his eyes closed and willed himself to fall asleep, hoping to stave off his anxiety for a little longer. 

Alec stopped sneaking out. A week passed before Izzy confronted him about it. She rapped on his door one night after training, sticking her head through the crack in the door and offering her brother a smile. Alec smiled slightly in return, looking up from his book and sending his sister a silent invitation to come in. Izzy flopped down on the bed next to Alec and studied her nails silently, glancing at Alec out of the corner of her eye.

“Izzy what’s up?” Alec asked, after several seconds of silence. Izzy fixed her gaze on him. 

“You haven’t snuck out in a while.” It wasn’t a question, Izzy left no room to debate on the matter. “Why?” Alec sighed and pretended to be focused on his book for a moment longer. He shut the book and climbed off his bed pacing once before turning to answer Izzy.

“It uh, just didn’t work out with me and Jessica.” Alec glanced up at Izzy, trying to gauge her reaction. Izzy’s face fell as she stood to embrace her brother.

“Oh Alec I’m so sorry.” She hovered in front of him rubbing one hand comfortingly over his shoulder. “What happened?” Alec stepped back slightly and bit his lip, guilt coursing through as he further perpetrated the lie.

“Just y’know she had to go back to Paris and- and long distance is hard so we just, ended it.” Izzy offered another sympathetic sigh and hugged Alec tightly. Alec pressed his face into his sister’s shoulder as his resolve broke. “Izzy that’s. Not why it didn’t work out.” Izzy stepped back, fixing Alec with a quizzical expression. 

Alec ran his hand over his face as his heart pounded in his chest. He’d spent the past week in a state of nearly constant anxiety, paranoid that the vampire in the club would suddenly come to realize who he’d seen. At least now, if the worst happened, he’d have Izzy in his court. “What I told you before my rune ceremony about, me. I wasn’t confused at least I don’t think I am-” He was rambling as his anxiety spiked with each word. 

“Alec.” Izzy said, cutting him off. “It’s okay I understand.” Alec nodded, his throat thick with emotion. “And I love you, that doesn’t matter to me and it shouldn’t matter to anybody else who cares about you. She gripped Alec tightly again, rubbing a reassuring hand down his back as he tried not to dissolve into tears. “I meant what I said big brother. One day someone’s gonna love you heart and soul. I know it.” Alec squeezed his eyes closed, doubting his sister’s words as he resolved to never stray from the carefully planned path he’d created for himself. A path that did not include sneaking out to gay clubs. A path that included marrying a woman and having children. A path that left no room for falling in love.  
For now however, Alec allowed himself to bury his head in Isabelle’s shoulder and stay off the path a moment longer. 

 

*************

 

Alec stumbled slightly as he left the restaurant with an arm wrapped around Magnus’s waist. Magnus tightened his own grip on Alec, steadying him as he turned to face his nephilim boyfriend.

“Too much champagne?” Magnus asked, his voice barely louder than a whisper as he leaned his forehead against Alec’s.

“Maybe a little.” Alec chuckled, pressing a small kiss to Magnus’s lips. Magnus ran one hand through the hair at the nape of Alec’s neck and smiled slightly.

“We should head home it’s getting late.” Magnus said a moment later. Home. The word still sent a shiver up Alec’s spine. The Institute had theoretically been his home for years, he slept there, ate there, trained there, and worked there. It was his base before and after missions, the place where he fell asleep at night and woke up in the morning. But it had never felt like home, never had the deep personal connection that Alec felt towards Magnus’s loft. It was a new and welcoming feeling, one that made Alec feel warm and happy inside, heightened slightly by the champagne buzzing in his system. 

“Sure, let’s walk though it’s nice out.” Alec responded, interlocking his fingers with Magnus’s. The pair strolled through Brooklyn taking in the night air and the sounds of the city in comfortable silence. Ten minutes had passed when Alec suddenly stopped short, fixing his gaze on a building across the street. Magnus furrowed his brow, squeezing his boyfriend’s shoulder lightly. 

“Alexander what is it?” Alec shook his head slightly, shaking himself from his trance and turned to face Magnus.

“Nothing it’s just that,” Alec paused, swiping his tongue lightly across his lips and rubbing his thumb against his palm. Nervous habits. Magnus noted. “It’s just that, I used to come here” He gestured at the street. “Before I came to terms with myself and just stand and look at this club.” It was then that Magnus realized the nature of the club and he offered Alec a soft smile.

“Did you ever go in?” He asked after a moment. Alec blanched slightly and Magnus almost regretted asking.

“Once.” Alec replied, studying the ground before flicking his gaze back up to Magnus. “And there was a vampire there. I hadn’t been expecting anyone but mundanes and he realized I was a shadowhunter. It caught me completely off guard I thought he would recognize me as a Lightwood and everyone would find out I’d been there.” Alec paused again and Magnus ran a reassuring hand up Alec’s arm. “I never came back after that.” He finished.

“I’m so sorry darling that’s terrible.” Magnus murmured, cupping Alec’s face lightly. “Would you like to leave? I could portal us home.” Alec glanced back at the club and then at Magnus.

“No, actually do you think we could go in?” Alec asked as if afraid Magnus would say no. 

“Of course.” Magnus said, smiling lightly as he took Alec’s hand in his own again. Soon enough the couple had crossed the street and joined the line of people hoping to enter the club. Alec glanced around at the other guests, watching with a look of awe as if he couldn’t quite believe he was standing comfortably among them. After a few minutes on line Magnus and Alec entered the club. Like the last time Alec had gone in, it was packed with people, some sitting at the bar and others lounging on couches or at tables, and others pressed together on the dance floor. Alec pulled Magnus gently through the club as he led him closer to the source of the pulsing music.  
Alec grinned as Magnus placed his hands on Alec’s waist, swaying them slightly to the tune of the upbeat dance music. Only a little over a year ago Alec had never even dreamed that he’d be here, comfortable with his sexuality and himself, happy and in love with an incredible man. Alec pressed his forehead to Magnus’s as they pressed closer together, becoming lost in the pulsing tempo of the music. They stayed like that for hours, until both Magnus and Alec felt like they were ready to collapse with exhaustion.  
Once outside the club, Magnus created a portal and the pair stepped through and into Magnus’s bedroom. Their bedroom, Alec reminded himself. They collapsed into bed, Magnus nestling his head between Alec’s shoulder and neck as they settled under the blankets. Alec ran his fingers lightly up Magnus’s side as he reflected on his sister’s words all those years ago. One day somebody’s gonna love you heart and soul, She’d said. At the time Alec hadn’t believed her but now, with Magnus pressed against him, legs tangled under the sheets, he was infinitely glad he’d allowed himself to stray from his carefully constructed path and fall truly and totally in love with Magnus Bane.

“I love you.” Alec murmured into Magnus’s hair, his eyelids growing heavier with each breath. 

“I love you too.” Magnus whispered back as they both drifted off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Not quite sure how I feel about this but I never actually complete things I write and never actually post anything so let's see how this goes! 
> 
> Anyway come stop by my tumblr @nephilimcrew for more Shadowhunters/Malec content


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